Lord of the Lion, the Witch, and the Sith
by Foro
Summary: This is a humorous short story depicting what would happen if Frodo Baggins, Luke Skywalker, and Peter Pevensie joined forces to travel north and defeat their enemies.


_Author's note. Peter, Frodo, Luke Skywalker, the White Witch, Sauron, Darth Vader, Superman, Peter Pan, Hook, Tinkerbell, Nazguls and Aslan all appear in this fantasy story. But, unfortunately, none of these characters are my own. They are credited to their respective authors. Now you can't sue me. This book is for the real Nathan. (Nathan really isn't a dragon, but he really did win an award for talking so much. I'm dead serious. It was, like, a huge trophy in the shape of a microphone.) And to the real Joe, who really isn't an innkeeper, but a talented computer genius. Anyway, here it is:_

-The Lord of the Lion, the Witch, and the Revenge of the Sith-

It was the typical dark and stormy night.

Inside the typical wayside inn, the typical stranger sat drinking the typical spiced wine. The innkeeper was, of course, typically fat. The rider was typically tall and mysterious. Of course the inn was miles away from the nearest town that had some long name such as Eth' en 'wyd 'el 'yen 'tan 'mon. The town was one of many long-named towns in a country of an even longer name, and this was in a medieval and ancient world where anything can happen.

The tall and mysterious stranger banged his glass on the table and stood up, sweeping his eyes around the inn in search for its keeper. The innkeeper nervously walked over to the tall and mysterious stranger, trying not to look into his dark hood. The stranger threw a confidential arm over the innkeeper's shoulders and whispered confidingly into his ear. "Listen," he whispered. "Do any of these other tall and mysterious strangers in the room belong to the dark side?"

The innkeeper twiddled his thumbs nervously. "Er, uh, I dunno".

"I will give you the benefit of the doubt," whispered the tall and mysterious stranger from under his cowl. "But tell me. Have you heard of the whereabouts of Darth Vader? He is the dark side."

The innkeeper tried to pull away. "Er, uh, I dunno".

The stranger pulled the innkeeper close and whipped out a small, round, silver colored tube.

"Perhaps you are on the dark side? Listen, and listen well, man. I have a lightsaber, and I know how to use it!"

"Hey, innkeeper!" a voice called from the other end of the room. Fill 'em up over here!"

"Er, uh, I gotta go." The innkeeper slipped from the tall and mysterious stranger's grasp and hurried over to refill the mug of a short man with big shoes. "Listen", the short man grabbed the innkeeper's collar and pulled him close. "That guy over there. Was he a Nazgul?"

The innkeeper scratched his head. "Er, uh, I dunno."

"Did he have red socketless eyes glaring from under a dark hood?"

"Er, uh, I dunno."

The big-footed man grabbed the innkeeper's hair and started twisting it. "Listen, man. There's a ring in my pocket. If I put it on, I have life and death power over all of middle earth. Mwahaha! But here, tell me the truth. Is your name Wormtongue?"

"Er, uh, I- no! My name's Joe. Please don't pull my hair. Yowch!"

Just then the front door of the inn burst open with a crash. "Innkeeper!" yelled a young voice. "Room for the night!"

The innkeeper twisted away from the short man and hurried to the door. "Rooms we have, sir. Shall I-"

The man shot out a hand and grabbed the innkeeper's throat. "Listen," he whispered. "You know short stuff over there that you were just talking to? Is he a black dwarf or a red dwarf?"

"Ergghh, Urgghhh, I dinno."

The young stranger leaned his head close to the innkeeper. "Don't play games with me, pal. I'm the High King of Narnia! That dwarf over there could be a spy. I warn you, Father Christmas gave me a sword, so you'd better be telling the truth!"

"Ugghh, I is, I is! Jus' lemme go, errggh!!!"

The young man let go of the innkeeper, who crashed to the ground. Striding over to the counter, he helped himself to a drink. Just then, a lincoln-green clad figure flew through the door, followed by a glowing fairy. "Ohmigosh!" he yelled. "That codfish Captain Hook is coming! He's after Wendy!"

The tall and mysterious stranger stood up. "You mean Darth Vader?"

The big-shoed man stood up. "You mean Sauron?"

The young man turned. "You mean the White Witch?"

"Er… sure! Go get 'im!"

The tall and mysterious stranger ran towards the door. "He killed my father!"

He was followed by Mr. Big foot. "He wants my ring!"

The young man sprinted after them. "She murdered Aslan!"

The door slammed behind them, leaving a triumphant Peter Pan crowing after them.

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The trio ran outside, Luke Skywalker in the lead. He whipped out his lightsaber and pointed it at a dark shadow running toward the inn. "Wow," murmured Peter from the back. "That lightsaber is good animation!"

Luke ignored him. Rushing headlong toward the shadow, he called out. "You are the dark side!"

Frodo passed Peter and whipped out a short sword. "You can't have it! It is mine! Hahahaha!"

Peter, too, pulled out his sword. "You will not escape this time, witch. You murdered Aslan! Narnia!"

Peter put on a burst of speed. At the same time, the three warriors reached the shadow and leaped on him.

"You are the dark side!"

"Lothlorien!"

"Narnia!"

Being a cartoon character, Captain Hook was not easily killed. After the realization that he was not their enemy occurred to them, the three warriors stopped hitting him. Hook stood, dazed, with little birdies flying around his head. "Gee," remarked Peter. "We're sorry."

"Mommy!" said Hook.

"No, I'm Peter", corrected the king of Narnia.

Hook stood suddenly upright. "You are Peter Pan!?" He looked around wildly, then started mumbling to himself. "Oddsfish, it can't be. Must be sort of a disguise, quite so. Tick tock! Heeheehee. Quite so".

Luke shrugged and began walking off. Peter and Frodo followed him, curious as to where he was going. "Umm… Where are you going?" asked Frodo.

"He killed my father!" said Luke. "He is the dark side."

"Nope", contradicted Peter. "It's a she. And she killed Aslan."

"Nu-uh", Frodo contested. "He wants my ring."

The three of them argued for a moment, until a thought hit Peter. "Hey, maybe it's the same guy we're all after! He killed Aslan, he wants your ring, _and_ he killed your father!"

"Whoa, this is one bad dude!" remarked Frodo.

"He is the dark side," said Luke.

"I say," continued Peter", that we should all join together and find him. If we're all after the same guy, three heads are better than one!"

"I'm game", said Frodo. "Count me in!"

"He is the dark side. May the force be with us!" added Luke.

"For Narnia!" said Peter. "And for Aslan!"

The cries of Hook reached their ears from a long way down the road. "Curse you Peter Paaaaaaannnn!!!"

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Three days later the warriors were walking north, hoping that this was the right direction. They were now in the middle of a forest with barely a trail to follow. The trees grew tall on either side of the path they were following, shading the sun and creating a gloomy and foreboding appearance.

"Suddenly it feels like I'm going to see elves", said Frodo.

"Uhh, where's the lamppost?" asked Peter.

"The death planet!" added Luke. "It is the dark side".

Suddenly a large cave loomed up in front of them. Smoke drifted from the dark entrance, and a shiny glint came from inside. "Whoa!" said Frodo. "Watch out, that's a dragon. What's it doing here?"

"This is a fantasy story," said Luke. "There's always a dragon in fantasy stories."

"Yeah", said Peter. "The writer probably got this dragon from 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader'.

"No way", remarked Frodo. "He took it from 'The Hobbit'."

"Definitely 'Eragon'", said Luke.

"Dawn Treader!"

"Eragon!"

"Dawn Treader!"

"Eragon!"

"Look, up in the sky!" interrupted Frodo. "It's a Nazgul!"

"No, it's a spaceship", countered Luke.

"No!" said Peter. "It's a Gryphon!"

"Wait, guys. That's Superman!"

Superman thumped his chest and began shouting. "Faster than a speeding bullet!" He raced from treetop to treetop, showing off his extraordinary flying skills. "More powerful than a locomotive!" Superman sped downwards and karate chopped a tree. It fell with a crash, and Peter ducked.

"Timber! Er… Yes. Able to leap tall hobbits in a single bou- Hobbit? What in kryptonite is a hobbit?"

"He is the dark side", remarked Luke.

"Hey, Superman!" said Peter, recovering his senses. Bet you five bucks you couldn't take out a little dragon."

Superman flew to the ground. Placing his hands on his hips he addressed Peter, his voice dripping sarcasm. "You think ittie bitty Superman can't take on a liddle dragon, eh! Well, I bet ten bucks to your five that I can take out any old dragon".

Peter gestured to the cave. "There's one in there. See?"

Superman did a double take at the cave. "Eeh, I, uh, huh, wha- saywhat?"

"It's a dragon, man!" said Peter. "Take 'im!"

"Sure, uh, Ohmigosh! My super hearing tells me that mommy is calling! Gotta go!"

With that Superman flew off.

Peter snorted. "I'm calling Batman".

Frodo nodded. "I'm calling Bird man".

"Ooh", put in Luke. I want Obiwankanobiman!"

"Excuse me", said a voice from behind them. "Is there such a thing as Dragonman?"

Frodo scoffed. "Orc brain! There's Dinoboy and Aquaman and Robin. Heck, there's even a Wonder Woman! But nobody except an unintelligent red-nosed bumbling rock-headed funny faced alley-haunting clown would claim such thing as Dragonman!"

"Um, Frodo?" Peter asked. "Er, tone it down a little, okay?"

"Why? It's just a fly flicking flea flecked fool!"

"It's the dragon".

"No it's not".

"Yah, it is".

Frodo turned slowly. The dragon lumbered over to him, small jets of flame spurting out of his nostrils. "Er, nice dragon", said Frodo.

Luke Skywalker couldn't bear the sight of the dragon bearing down on his friend any longer. He extended his light saber and rushed headlong at the dragon. "Yaaarrggghhhh!"

Luke hacked away at the dragon's leg. The light saber simply bounced off of the dragon's scaly flesh without harming it. The dragon looked on, unconcerned. "Ooh", said Luke, backing off. "It is the dark side". The dragon narrowed his eyes at Luke, then spoke in a soft and refined voice.

"Pardon you, it is improper and disrespectful to nail one repeatedly with a large extended flash of light apparently proceeding from a long round tube that is held in one's hand apparently created out of a hydrostatic coil wound and compressed into a smaller but more efficient operation that allows one to slice through most anything excluding dragons because of their intermolecular properties. Not to get off the subject but is that a hobbit but oh well by the way my name is Nathan and I was continuing with my apparently one-sided debate on the quality and quantity of hydrostatic coils since I wanted to know why-"

"Stoooppp!!!" yelled Frodo and Peter in unison. The dragon paused, unsure of what they wanted.

"Is there something you want because if there is then I would probably be happy to give it to you unless it is treasure because I really like treasure and in spite of hitting my goodself repeatedly I would be happy to escort you someplace or give you assistance or anything because you see I really am a nice dragon except when-"

"Stoooppp!!!" yelled Luke. The dragon stopped talking immediately, allowing Peter to get a word in. "Uhh, if I may say something then I would like to say that I want you to escort us somewhere to the White Witch who lives somewhere north in a volcano oh bother I'm talking just like you…"

"Actually", interrupted Frodo. "It is Sauron we are looking for and we _would _be happy if you could give us a ride to his volcano and allow us to proceed and exit alone from there and oh no I'm doing the same thing…"

The dragon nodded and turned to Luke. "And is there anything you would like to add?"

Luke looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "It is Darth Vader. He is the dark side", he announced.

"Well", said the dragon. "That is that so off we go into the wild unknown please hop onto my back since I will be more than happy to allow you the services of my back and the sweat of my brow in order for you to reach your destination and fulfill your mission since all of a sudden I feel curious as to the extent and interest of your story so what are you waiting for hop on!"

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For two hours the dragon flew on, chattering incessantly. "Whew," whispered Peter to Luke "You're right. The writer probably got this dragon from 'Eragon'."

Luke shook his head. "This dragon is the dark side. The writer took him from 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader'".

"Eragon!"

"Dawn Treader!"

"Eragon!"

"Dawn Treader!"

The dragon turned his head around to face them. "Would you please stop talking so much and loudly because dragons have very sensitive hearing and besides it is rude to interrupt one's conversation with a hobbit that he is holding to learn the quality and homeliness of underground burrows in which they seem apparently to hide from wizards that make fireworks and have adventures. It is necessary to reprove you both for your bad conduct and to admonish you within hearing of this good hobbit as rascals and rapscallions so please do not talk any more because if you do I just might have to breathe fire on you and that wouldn't be very good so anyway Frodo you were telling me about living rooms?"

Peter hung his head and began crying. "I have a headache. I want my mum!" he sobbed.

Luke patted his shoulder and glanced angrily out of the pages of the book. "This writer is the dark side. The talkative dragon was probably the only character he could think of himself. Don't worry; we'll soon be to Darth Vader's Volcano".

_Here the writer makes a note: _Hello. Because of Luke Skywalker's untimely and very insulting remark, the journey to the volcano lasted a month and a week and a day. So haha Luke, _you_ are the dark side.

After a month and a week and a day the foursome arrived at the volcano. Their ears were almost literally talked off. Luke, _haha, _was especially out of sorts and bedraggled. He still mumbled imprecations and insults at the writer, but said nothing loud enough for him to hear. But the three warriors had learned many things, including the fact that Nathan the dragon had once won an award for talking so much.

"Well", said the dragon. "Farewell because I must be off already because I have been away for so long and besides this is a dark and desolate and dreary place and oh wow all three of those words started with "D" that's dark dreary and desolate I must make a mental note of that but oh well off I go back to my lovely cave in the wholesome refreshing woods and it looks like I'm not getting a thank you from you guys so here I go!"

The dragon immediately winged off without waiting for a reply. He probably wouldn't have got one anyway, though.

"That", said Peter. "Is the biggest volcano I've ever seen".

Luke turned to him. "It's the _only _volcano you've ever seen!" he admonished.

"How do _you_ know?" countered Peter.

"'Cause I read the whole Narnia series. There aren't any volcanoes in Narnia".

"Mr. Lewis!!!" Peter called out suddenly. "Can you add some volcanoes to Narnia?"

Frodo chimed in without turning from the massive volcano. "Perhaps there were volcanoes in Charn?"

"But he never went to Charn!"

"Well, in Aslan's country, then".

"No, Aslan's country _is _Narnia".

"Well!!!" exploded Frodo, whirling on Luke. "Maybe he traveled to the cracks of doom. Maybe he was accompanied by his friend Sam. _Maybe _his finger got bitten off and a Gollum named Gollum fell to his death in the cracks of doom where smoke hissed and seethed from its fiery depths! And MAYBE, _maybe _mind you, he sailed off on a ship never to be seen again. Maybe he DID see a volcano! Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe may-"

"Mwahahahahaha!!!"

The three warriors turned back to the volcano. "Mwahahahaha!!!" the voice said again. All three gasped.

"The Witch!"

"Sauron!"

"Vader!"

"Me first! Lemme at 'im!" Luke drew his lightsaber and strode off in the direction of the volcano.

"Me second!" Frodo drew Sting and trailed Luke.

"Er… Me third" mumbled Peter to himself as he followed his companions.

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A strange rumbling sound echoed rhythmically from within the belly of the volcano. "Is that- is that rock music?" Frodo queried.

"No, it's pop!" said Peter.

"As if!" Luke chimed in. "It's definitely disco. Disco is the dark side," he added.

"Mwahahahaha!!!"

The voice boomed from the volcano again. The three adventurers sped their pace up to a trot, then a run. "Bet you I can run faster!" panted Luke.

"Oh yeah? Actions speak louder than words, chubby cheeks!" Peter put on a burst of speed.

"No fair!" complained Frodo. "I have shorter legs than you guys!"

The race to the volcano ended with Peter well in the lead. "Haha! I win!"

"Oh no you don't!" Luke ran up and slapped the volcano. "I touched it first!"

"Too bad for both of you!" Frodo panted up and opened a door that led into the interior of the volcano. "I got inside first".

Peter grumbled his way into the volcano, followed by Luke. But their complaints were soon forgotten as they viewed with awe the inside of the fiery mountain. It was a huge structure. Hallways were lined with some dark metal. Statues and decorations were set into the side of walls.

"Oh my gosh!" squealed Frodo suddenly. The others whirled around. "What!?" they cried in unison.

"Oh my gosh!" repeated Frodo. "This is an all-new 2006 edition of the Lord of the Rings collector's series! A Frodo action figure!"

"Oooohhhhh!" Peter was impressed. Luke wasn't. "So what? Look here, a whole shelf full of Luke Skywalker special edition action figures. And," he picked up a book that was lying on a shelf. "A mega-kids Star Wars coloring book with me on the cover. And here are some Luke Skywalker trading cards, stationary, postcards, Lego guys, soda bottles, magazines, and even a skateboard!"

"Oh- my- gosh!" Peter jumped up and down with excitement. "A Narnia extended edition DVD! Legos, posters, autographs! A whole roomful!"

Luke looked at Frodo and shrugged. "I guess Darth Vader likes Narnia", he said with a grimace.

"Mwahahahahaha!"

Luke slapped the wall. "Shaddap!!! We here ya'!"

Frodo stomped on Luke's foot. "Stop it! You don't want to make him mad, do you?"

Luke stomped back. "Aww, stow it. Come on, Peter!"

"No!" Peter was having too much fun in the Narnia room. Luke reached in, grabbed Peter's wrist and began hauling him along the corridor. "All right, all right!" Peter tugged away. "You are cold, Luke, very cold," he grumbled.

Luke shrugged. "It's my Vulcan ancestry, I suppose".

Frodo shook his head. "Dude, that's from Star _Trek_, not Star _Wars_!"

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"I don't see what I see". Peter shook his head to clear it and looked again.

There was no mistaking it.

Frodo, Peter and Luke stared in disbelief at the sight. Music blared from a stereo positioned in the center of the room. Tables heaped high with refreshments groaned under the weight of their contents. But, strangest of all, three people were dancing on a large raised wooden platform.

_A Polka party!_

"All I can see are his eyes", Frodo whispered.

"He killed my father. He is the dark side", said Luke.

Peter looked offended. "Why weren't we invited?"

The three stepped into the room as one. They could see the White Witch dancing with Darth Vader. Sauron held a glass of punch. "To the rhythm now! Do the moves!" he said. He sent a glance in the direction of the three warriors. "Ahhh!!!" he screamed, dropping his punch.

The other two whirled to confront their enemies. "You!" they chorused.

"You want my ring!"

"You murdered Aslan!"

"You killed my father!"

Darth Vader took a step towards them. "Luke," he said. "I am your father. And you never even gave me a father's day card!!"

"But… but… you are the dark side!" sputtered Luke.

Vader shook his head mournfully. "It was Yoda that forced me to it! He said I had too, or the force would not be with me always".

Luke ran over to Darth Vader and hugged him. "I am reunited with you, father. You are not the dark side!"

Meanwhile, Peter was confronting the witch. "You murdered Aslan!" Peter hissed between clenched teeth.

The White Witch sighed in exasperation. "How many times do we have to go over this? Aslan put me up to it so he could gain the admiration of his followers! You know-" she leaned in confidingly toward Peter. "He was taken straight from the Wizard of Oz. He's really the Cowardly Lion".

Peter's eyes grew wide. He gasped. "Really? Tell me more!"

Frodo was talking to Sauron in subdued tones. "Look, I'm sorry I accidentally threw your engagement ring into the cracks of doom. But I have to keep up appearances, you know! So I chased you here with the others- Hey! It's that writer again! He's eavesdropping!"

Sauron glared up through the pages. "Go away," he rasped. "Or I'll put on my ring!"

Frodo and Sauron were suddenly stunned by twin bolts of lightning. _Mmmm! _The writer stuck out his tongue.

"Well, son, now that we are reconciled, do you want do dance Polka?" Darth Vader did a couple of practice moves.

Luke smiled contentedly. "Of course, father!"

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So the six of them danced the night away to the sound of Polka. But they forgot, or at least tried to forget, that a deep rumbling sound often rocked the volcano.

"Mwahahahaha!!!"


End file.
